1st June 2012

I always used to throw the unsolicited mail that arrives on a daily basis, unopened into the recycling bin until the Post Man pointed out that it could rebound on him if a piece of my unopened mail found its way into the wrong hands and he was accused of dumping it rather than delivering it.

It was in some ways a paranoid reaction but then I guess he saw the Post Office as the kind of employer who might be out to get him.

But this is not really about industrial relations in the Post Office it is about a particularly upsetting piece of junk mail which arrived this morning.

Because of the post mans concerns I now open the junk mail.

Then I tear it up without reading it and put it out for recycling.

However today an unsolicited piece of mail arrived which was addressed to me correctly by my title rather than the occupier, so before tearing and recycling, I read.

The good news part of the letter was the invitation to spend two days at the seaside no strings attached, the bad news part of the letter was that the invitation was to stay as a guest of the Church of England's Pensions Board in one of their sheltered housing schemes.

Aagh!

My first thought was well, not bad, a couple of days in Scarborough, where as a child I used to spend family holidays staying in my 'Aunt's' Boarding House, could be quite nice really.

Then I thought I'm not that old surely,  they're not wanting to see me off already are they?

An old people's home, and worse than that, a home peopled by retired clergy playing a never ending game of bridge or spending their days trying to work out the clues in the Times Crossword or shouting terrible jokes to each other across a room perfumed with air freshener.

So I decided to play the Kings of Leon loudly as the rebellious older man I like to think I am.

Then I thought maybe I could book a couple of days and ride across on the Harley, I rather liked the idea of striding up to the front door in my leathers and producing my letter and claiming my two free nights.

On Sunday I could come down to breakfast wearing my T Shirt which shows a biker cornering at speed, with the phrase printed on it, 'It's Sunday ...... get down on one knee and pray'.

Or maybe my other T Shirt which has written on the back, 'if you can read this my girlfriends fallen off'.

Eventually I showed the invitation to the indoor critic who commented that the Scarborough house looked very nice and that we should phone up and book a weekend.

Of course with a combined age of 131 we probably do qualify and should plan ahead after all elder care is a scandal in this country, and it is an expensive scandal. 

Pretending to be Marlon Brando is all very well, but hardly a practical way of preparing for old age, given the state that care of the elderly is in.

The Dilnott Report wanted to put an upper limit on the cost to the individual but according to one newspaper the con-dems have no wish to appear to be introducing legislation to enable the middle classes to hold on to their homes so would rather keep the present system which means houses being sold to pay for care.

The same newspaper carried a report saying that charities, care providers and campaigners have made a final plea to the Prime Minister to seize the opportunity to transform the provision of care for the elderly or leave families picking up the pieces of the current, inadequate system.

Which is charity speak for putting more money into elder care.

Well we can't take up the generous offer of a free weekend in Scarborough, no strings attached, because this weekend we are celebrating the Diamond Jubilee of one elderly lady at huge cost to tax payers, whilst all the other elderly ladies, who need a bit more spending on them but are too polite to ask, will doubtless be sitting in their care homes waving bunting and singing God Save the Queen.

Then next weekend we've got visitors and the weekend after that we've got a weekend learning about the history of the Co-op.

So maybe we'll rip up this particular piece of unsolicited junk mail and recycle it or better still shred it and use it as bedding for the grand children's hamster!